


Five Times Patty Got Someone to Take Her on a Campus Tour And the One Time She Was Smart Enough to Not Ask Any of Those Psychos

by LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Awkward Boners, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Cults, Dadte, F/M, Found Family, Gen, Humor, I mean, Implied/Referenced Open Relationship, It's Trish, Morrison is The Only Sane One, Nero and Kyrie are too sweet, Past Child Abandonment, Retired! Stripper Dante, Slight Hurt/Comfort, Socially Awkward Nero, Stubborn Lady, Trish is a troll, college tours, embarrassing family members, mugging attempt, pre-dmc5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio/pseuds/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio
Summary: Patty's growing up, but she still needs a ride. Unfortunately, her options are mostly weirdos who kill demons.
Relationships: Dante & Patty Lowell, Kyrie/Nero (Devil May Cry), Lady & Patty Lowell, Patty Lowell & Kyrie, Patty Lowell & Morrison, Patty Lowell & Nero, Patty Lowell & Nina Lowell, Trish & Patty Lowell
Comments: 16
Kudos: 70





	1. The Legendary Devil Hunter

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of those who have to return to academia far too early, I hope reading this makes you feel a little better. Please stay safe!

_“Da~n~te.”_

Grinning widely, swaying her legs, Patty waits for the man seated opposite from her to give her acknowledgement.

Sighing, the man realizes that whatever plans he had for a nice, quiet day went out the door the little harpy came in from.

“Yes, Pattycakes?”

_Fwish._

His question earns him a brochure shoved into his face.

“‘The University of Lady Rosalind?’” He reads aloud.

“Yup! They’re holding tours of the campus this weekend!”

“…I’m flattered, but I don’t think I’ve got the time to slow down and finally get that nursing degree.”

_Fwack!_

Hitting the jerk with the paper, Patty glares and says, “No! I need a ride, and you haven’t had a job in weeks, so it’s not like you have anything better to do!”

Shooting her a smirk, Dante spins his chair to the side and taunts, “This is how you ask for a favor? I could’ve sworn ya had better manners than _that_ , sweet pea.”

Sighing and rolling her eyes, Patty eventually swallows her pride and looks at the man with large eyes and clasped hands, pleading, “Oh Dante, Legendary Devil Hunter, Slayer of Demons, King of Hell, Universal Heartthrob, won’t you spare just a little of your precious time to escort a young maiden to view a possible start on the path to her future?”

Grin growing in sync with the stroking of his ego, Dante turns to tell the girl, “Well, I _suppose_ I could try and squeeze you in, my dear.”

Pouting, Patty give him a, “Hmph!” before she makes her way over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “The tour starts at 8:00, so be up by 7:00, okay?”

“That’s a strange way to say, ‘Thank you Dante, I swear the only thing greater than your generosity is your otherworldly beauty!’”

Rolling her eyes, she does grace him with a, “Thank you Dante.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Putting her backpack on the table, Patty’s greeted by her mother.

“You’re a little late getting home today,” Nina notes, “Did you stop by Mr. Dante’s office again?”

“Yup!” Patty cheerfully confirms, “And I got him to agree to take me to that college tour on Saturday!”

“…Oh.” Nina acknowledges, somewhat…hm? “Really?”

“Yeah,” Patty says, “Is something wrong?” She asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No!” Nina quickly responds, “No, no, no! Everything’s fine, sweetheart.”

“…Okay, well I’m gonna do my homework.”

“Alright, I’ll make you a snack then.”

“Thanks Mom!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Hmmm…”

Lazily reclining in his chair, Dante thinks over his little talk with Patty.

“Why does that place sound so familiar?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Much to Patty’s surprise, they actually made it on time.

After getting out, the two head to security to get checked out.

“Alright,” the guard starts, “Sir, do you mind showing us what’s in your case?”

“Yup,” Dante immediately answers, earning him an elbow to the ribs courtesy of Patty, “Alright, alright, you little witch.” He grumbles, unzipping the guitar case.

“I-Is that a sword?!” The guard cries in shock.

“I sell antiques,” Dante covers nonchalantly, and he’s half-true.

“…Well, I suppose if you don’t have any more-”

“Wait,” Dante cuts off, before reaching into jacket and pulling out Ebony and Ivory.

“I highly value the second amendment,” he says to the dumbstruck guard, then pulling Cerberus out of his boot, followed by Lucifer.

“…”

“Okay buddy,” Dante says as he starts taking out Alastor, “I’m just gonna say this now, we’re gonna be here for a while.”

As the guard is gaping, Patty facepalms.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Twelve devil arms later, and they’re walking with the group.

“This school was one of the first woman-exclusive universities developed in the country,” the guide tells them, “Created by our founder to give female minds a place to study without feeling threatened or pressured by the chauvinistic society that controlled many during the time.”

“Preach,” Dante mutters, earning a smack on the shoulder from Patty. “Hey,” he starts to complain until he becomes distracted by one of the residence halls.

“Dante?” Patty tries to get his attention.

“That tree…” he mutters.

“Oh?” The guide notices, “That cedar tree was planted by the early biology classes of Lady Rosalind. It’s one of our most treasured landmarks, sir.”

Looking closely at one specific branch, Dante sees it’s very close to a window, close enough that if someone threw something out of it-

_DING!_

“…Excuse me?” Dante asks the guide still focused on the tree, “Around, I dunno twenty-two years ago, did anyone ever find some red jacket caught in that tree?”

“…I beg your pardon?”

“Eh, forget it, you probably weren’t conceived yet, don’t mind me.”

Blinking, the guide gives out a confused, “Okay,” before returning to her original tone, “Well, if you all will follow me this way-”

_“SCREEEEEEEEEEEECCCHHHHHHHH!”_

A crazy yell is emitted throughout the campus, drowning out the screams of students running past the group.

“What the-”

_KKKSSSSSHHHHHHH!_

A twelve-foot, three headed monstrosity with pulsating veins wrapped around it’s arms and legs comes bursting out of the hall, uttering loud yells and trying to chase after the frightened academics.

Predictably, the tour group devolves into running around and flailing their arms.

“Heh,” Dante chuckles, “About time.”

“Dante,” Patty starts, “What’s going on?”

“Well,” he begins, “A while back, I got called here for a job, but this thing’s momma came in and started wreckin’ the place; I took her out, but it seems like she hid a nest somewhere. I wasn’t that good at trackin’ back then, so I had no idea that she laid a time bomb underneath Pillow Fight Central. But when we drove up, thought I smelled somethin’, and when we got here, I heard a few cracks comin’ from down below. Guess that explains it.”

Gritting her teeth, Patty tells him, “I can stall while you go get your stuff back from security-”

“No need, sweetheart,” he brushes her off, “I’m gonna take this thing out the same way I did dear ol’ ma.”

Picking up Dante’s scent, the demon turns it’s head and glares in fury at recognizing the blood of Sparda.

_“SCREEEEEEECCCHHHHH!”_

“Oooh,” Dante mocks, “Strong set of pipes ya got there,” he remarks as he…takes his shirt off?

“Dante?” Patty asks in confusion.

“You see, Pattypat,” Dante begins as he hands his shirt to her, “The job I got called to do, wasn’t for gettin’ rid of any other uglies that got spat outta Hell.” He explains, removing his shoes and socks, “That was just a bonus.”

“What are you-”

 _“SCREEEEEEEEEEECCCHHHHHH!”_ Is yelled out again by the demon, rushing towards Dante at full force…

…into Dante’s kick backed up by the friction of sliding down a lamppost.

“Oh no…” Patty grumbles as she realizes the situation.

Twisting his head to give her a grin, Dante says, “Let’s just say I was called out here to show some ladies my night moves!” He explains shamelessly as he twists his body into another attack.

Hopefully everyone else left.

Giving a quick look over her shoulder, that hope is crushed.

_Sorry Dante, it looks I’m going co-ed._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“So,” Dante starts as they get back into the car, “What’d ya think? Pretty nice place, eh? And no idiot boys tryin’ ta keep you from your education!”

“…”

 _Oh boy,_ Dante thinks to himself, _The “Your Continued Existence is a Source of Regret to Me” face._

“Look,” he tries to reason, “Finals can get stressful, and school can take up so much time, you don’t get any space to take care of yourself and you get pent up.”

“…”

“Plus, back in my day, we couldn’t just afford to head out every weekend, so goin’ to an all-girl school when you’re strictly on the hetero line wasn’t exactly good for keepin’ the hormones steady.”

“…”

“I just did a job! Get in, show ‘em what ya got, get paid and go! It’s economics, sweetie!”

“…Dante?”

“Yes, my precious little princess who I’m taking out for ice cream?” The uncharacteristically terrified devil hunter says.

“You just did a pole dance in front of an entire college to kill a demon you orphaned twenty-two years ago.”

“…Because I didn’t want anything to happen to my precious little Peppermint Patty?”

“You chose to kill a demon by gyrating on a lamppost instead of getting your weapons or just punching it.”

“…Because I wanted to share more of my life with you?”

“And the college board knows you were with me.”

“…Pattycakes?”

_BAM!_

Is shot out of Pandora, right into Dante’s face.

“I AM NEVER ASKING YOU TO TAKE ME ANYWHERE AGAIN, YOU PERVY PSYCHO!” Patty screeches.

“I’m sorry!” Dante cries once his lower jawline forms back, “It was a legacy demon! I had to!”

“You _had_ to embarrass me like that in front of all those people?!”

“Well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure they were more concerned about not gettin’ shish kabobbed…”

“It’s already on YouTube!” Patty complains, showing him the footage.

“…Damn. I still got it.”

“DANTE!”

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that while you were tryin’ to look good. It was stupid, and I won’t do it again.” At her unamused face, he adds, “Maybe.”

“Just take me home.”

“I’m sorry, Pats,” he says again, more genuine this time, “I screwed up.”

Sighing, Patty turns her head to the window and says, “Well, it wasn’t like this was my first choice or anything; I liked the facilities, but I’d prefer a co-ed school.”

“Hey! No boys! They’re evil!”

“I’m a modern woman, I can decide what I do with my body and who I share it with myself!”

“You’re seventeen, that body’s gonna stay away from nasty horndogs or this one’s gonna go to jail!” Dante scolds, gesturing to himself.

“Your patriarchal authority is just a social construct that operates on installing fear in women to make them develop a subconscious desire to have a man control them under the guise of protection instead of allowing them to think for and protect themselves, and I refuse to follow it!”

“…Damn, I taught you too well.”

“Being a male feminist is a double-edged sword, Dante.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“…right in front of everyone; so you understand why I can’t ask him to take me to the next tour, right?”

_“Completely.”_

“Thank you.” Patty says into the phone, “Are you sure you’re free?”

_“Yeah, not much is going on lately. It’s pretty boring. And I’m curious about university life.”_

“Alright, then I’ll see you at 7:00 a.m. sharp on Saturday!”

_“You got it, sweetie.”_

“Thanks, Trish! Bye!”


	2. The Bewitching Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bringing Dante was a mistake; luckily Trish is more of an adult. Patty's going to keep telling herself this.

“So…” Nina starts on Saturday morning, “That blonde woman that works with Mr. Dante is taking you?”

“Yup!” Patty clarifies, “Trish should be here soon!”

“Okay, well, um…” Nina says, trying to find the right words, “I don’t recall her owning a car.”

“Oh, she doesn’t!” Patty confirms, cheerfully oblivious to her mother’s apprehension as she packs her bag, “She thinks they’re too slow.”

“Patty,” Nina says in a concerned tone, “You can’t go to a campus tour on a motorcycle.” Perking up a bit, she adds, “I could drive you two, if you want.”

“No, we’re good,” Patty dismisses as she finishes readying her bag, “We’re not taking the bike.”

Giving her daughter a perplexed look, Nina starts to ask, “Then how are you-”

_CRACKLE!_

Startled, Nina is confused by the sudden flash of lightning, especially when there hadn’t been a cloud in the sky not even five minutes ago.

“Oh! She’s here!” Patty squeals, kissing her mom on the cheek, “Gotta go! Love you Mom!” And with that she heads out the door to greet a having appeared out of nowhere Trish with a hug.

“Ready to go?” The demon asks.

“Yup!” Patty confirms.

“Alright, then.” And with that, Trish snaps her fingers and another flash of lightning appears in the clear sky.

_CRACKLE!_

And Patty and Trish are gone.

“…I really need to do a follow-up on my daughter’s friends.” Nina says to herself in a daze.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Once they arrive at the outskirts of Poe University, Patty decides to go over some ground rules.

“So, we’re clear? No lightning, no guns and no crazy succubus stuff just to see someone look uncomfortable.”

“Got it.” Trish agrees with a thumbs up.

“Good,” Patty cheerfully praises, “Then, let’s go!”

Walking ahead, Patty doesn’t see Trish’s fingers crossed behind her back.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Alright,” Patty stops them before the get to the grounds, “You know you have to change.”

“Oh, come on,” Trish complains, “It’s a college on a Saturday, everyone’s gonna dress like this when they wake up tonight.”

“Everyone that’s a _student,_ ” Patty corrects, “Not visitors trying to make a good impression.”

“Ugh, fine” Trish concedes, throwing off her current outfit to reveal a new one underneath.

“Try something with a shirt _under_ the jacket.”

“Fine.”

_Fwip._

“Waist cinchers don’t count.”

“Ughhh….”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“And if you’ll look there,” the guide says, “You’ll see our campus Baptist church which was established in 1982 by former head of the history department, Winston Alcott.”

“Ugghhh…” Trish groans, holding her head.

“Do you need to sit down?” Patty asks, squeezing the huntress’ hand.

“No…no I should be fine,” Trish waves her off, “Let’s keep going.”

“Alright…” Patty says, unconvinced, still holding Trish’s hand.

“It’s one of our more modern facilities, so it’s condition is a bit better than most of the other ones here.” Giggling, he says, “Funny story: About three years ago, a group of cultists were found to have been meeting in the nearby woods, and when they got reported, they swore that they’d have their vengeance on anyone who attended the school, with some sort of demon army. Apparently, their arrival would be ‘announced by lightning hitting the bell on the church tower.’ Isn’t that just crazy?”

_CRACKLE!! RING!!_

While everyone else turns to the bell in confusion, Patty simply thinks to herself, _God damn it Trish._

Turning to the older (physically speaking) woman who seems completely unconcerned at the distress overtaking the campus, only giving a shrug.

“It was _way_ too good of an opportunity to pass up.”

_CRACKLE!! RING!!_

Blinking at the sudden flash, Trish turns to a confused Patty and says flatly, “That one wasn’t me.”

“UNCLEAN!”

Is shouted from the roof of the church by a weirdo in a five-dollar cloak they probably got off the internet.

“You fools mocked us, but now,” the weirdo continues, “The Children of The Raven come for our revenge! Go my pet, and wreak havoc!” He orders to some sort of electric raven demon.

That immediately begins to try and peck him to death.

“WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Trish,” Patty starts, “We have to do something.”

“Can’t.” Trish says unconcerned.

“What do you mean you can’t?!”

“…”

“…Oh my gosh.”

“You made me promise.”

“You already broke it.”

“I’ve still got two strikes left, I need to play it safe.”

Sighing, Patty finally concedes, “You’re released from our agreement, now go save the cultist.”

Smirking, Trish sashays up to the church, lightning crackling as she materializes Luce and Ombra out of nowhere.

“Well,” she starts, “You may have had good taste,” she says to the terrified robed weirdo, “But in the end, you lacked the ability to…”

_CRACKLE!! BANG!!!_

Suddenly appearing on top of the building, pulling her guns back from where she just shot between the bird’s eyes, the woman whispers into the idiot’s ear.

_“Keep it down.”_

It’s unknown if she was talking about the demon, the urine that soaked the cultist’s cheap wannabe robes or the erection he’s just now noticing.

_CRACKLE!!!_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Why did you destroy the church?” Patty asks bluntly as they watch the cultist and his associates get dragged into a squad car from a bench. “ _After_ you killed the demon?”

Shrugging, Trish just tells her, “I didn’t want to have any more migraines for the rest of the tour.”

“There is no rest of the tour,” Patty spits out, “Everyone ran off the second you started thrashing that thing.”

“Dang. I really wanted to see the science building, it looked cool online.”

“Why do cults always plan their revenge on the days I go out?” The girl moans.

“I dunno, maybe it won’t happen again?”

“This is the third time!”

“Third times the charm?”

Looking unamused, Patty continues, “Seriously why did they pick today?”

“But he called to us!” One weirdo screams as they’re being pushed into a car, “The Bolt of Hell flashed through the clear sky to signal our day of triumph!”

“…”

“…I guess we’ll never know.” Trish says.

_BAM!_

Comes from Pandora which Patty returns to her bag from where she aimed it at Trish’s head.

“…You said we couldn’t take the bike,” Trish defends as her eyes grow back.

“We’re taking the bus home.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 _Your first mistake was asking either of them for help._ Lady’s email reads, _Your second was having expectations for it to turn out well._

 _I know,_ Patty sends back.

_Don’t worry, I’ve got some free time coming up, where’s the next one at?_

Sighing in relief, Patty sends back, _You’re a lifesaver, I’ll send you the address._

 _No problem,_ Lady tells her, _I’ve made the mistake of trusting them to be competent adults more than once. Just make sure Trish pays the bill, she has a habit of sneaking off before she has to pay for damages._

 _Oh, I will._ Patty assures her.

_Good girl. Well, make sure she suffers! See you next weekend!_

_Thank you, Lady!_


	3. The Walking Arsenal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What better escort for a young woman than a dashing Lady?

“Lady,” Patty asks with concern in her voice as they walk up to the courtyard, “Are you _sure_ you’re all right?”

“Quit worrying,” the older woman tells her, “I’m good!”

“I dunno,” the younger voices, “You’re limping pretty hard.”

“ _Tcchh_ , this is nothing, I’ve been through way worse.”

“This” being the large slash on her side, courtesy of a mugger that had accosted them when they stopped for gas earlier.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_“So then I said,” Lady tells her as she replaces the gas pump, “‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!’”_

_“I dunno,” Patty says in response, shifting the snacks they bought into the car, “If Dante’s offering to get me a new cannon-”_

_“Like I told him, Kalina Ann works just fine! And losing her? Pfft! Like that’ll ever happen! Besides, we both know he’s just trying to keep me from finding out about something stupid he’s gonna pull.”_

_“But theoretically you cou-”_

_“HANDS UP!”_

_Turning their heads, the two notice a trembling teen approaching them with a knife._

_Unconcerned, Lady begins to ask, “Can we help-”_

_“I’m making the rules here, bitch!” The most likely strung out mugger says to them, “Now hands up!”_

_Eyebrow twitching at “Bitch,” Lady grits out, “Patty. In the car.”_

_Doing as she is told, the girl makes sure to lock the doors._

_“Hey! I said-”_

_WHAM!_

_Patty hears from outside as she starts to unwrap a pack of mini donuts._

_“Ow! What the-”_

_BAM!_

_“Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Please I-”_

_SMASH!_

_…_

_Opening the driver’s door after a few minutes, Lady tells her, “Okay, the manager contacted the cops, so they should be able to take the brat in when he wakes up.”_

_“Uh, Lady-”_

_“It’s sad,” Lady ignores, “Today’s youth is so impressionable and weak-willed they just fall into whatever thing they looks cool.” Sighing, she adds, “I blame video games.”_

_“Okay, boomer, well maybe you should focus on-”_

_“It’s a scary world these days.”_

_“LADY! YOU HAVE A GASH ON YOUR WAIST!”_

_“Uh, yeah, Patty!” The woman acknowledges. Chuckling slightly, she says, “I, I’m pretty sure I’d feel it if I got stabbed. When I was roughing the kid up I slipped on a puddle a little and accidentally pushed my hip into the brat’s knife.”_

_“Oh wow,” Patty says, “It is bleeding a lot, do we need to go to the hospital?”_

_“No, no,” Lady dismisses, waving her hand, “I’m good. Just reach into the glove compartment and hand me some gauze.”_

_Quickly doing as she’s told, she opens the compartment and goes to look for the gauze._

_“Um, Lady? There’s just bullets in here.”_

_“Keep looking.”_

_Shoveling through, Patty sees, “Is that- No, that’s a knife.”_

_“Take your time, tour’s not for another hour.”_

_“Oh! I see…grenades.”_

_“It’s in there somewhere.”_

_“Lady, can we please just call a doctor?”_

_“Patty,” Lady says, leveling a gaze at the younger, “I have been stabbed, shot at, lit on fire and thrown off buildings half a million times, and I’m still going. This is nothing.”_

_“But…”_

_“Oh! There it is!”_

_Grabbing the gauze, Lady starts to take her shirt off._

_“And this is why you always bring a change of clothes, sweetie.” She tells Patty as she starts applying disinfectant before she covers up the injury._

_“But-”_

_“Patty, I’m pretty sure I know my limits.”_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Watching Lady limp, Patty honestly doubts Lady would ever acknowledge her limits.

As they walk through the campus of Rhys University, Lady keeps up with the group through sheer determination ( ~~stubbornness~~ ).

“And over there,” the guide continues, “Is our award-winning literature department. Several students have gone on to become famous authors in their own right, and our workshops have been well-received by our community.”

Hmmm…

“You alright, kiddo?” Lady whispers.

“This is usually the part where a demon attacks so I can’t finish the tour,” Patty explains.

“Oh yeah,” Lady says in acknowledgement before she raises her hand, “Excuse me? Hi, I’m with Patty, quick question: Has there ever been some sort, oh I don’t know, mysterious series of attacks from about twenty years ago?”

“Um, no,” the guide tells her, confused.

“Hi, I’m the Patty,” the girl says, “Has anyone ever had a public declaration of vengeance against the school, a student or a staff member?”

“No? I don’t think so.” 

“Creepy sub-society?”

“Um…”

“Is this school built on an ancient burial ground?”

“Okay,” the guide finally says with confidence, “Is this a prank or are you two-”

_CRSSSSSHHHHH!_

The guide’s complaints are cut off by debris falling to the ground because of an enormous tentacle demon shooting up out of the ground and circling itself around the observatory.

And the panicking masses.

“Oh no!” One professor screams, “The ancient deity Yazamaloo that the school’s founder made a trade of ten thousand human souls in exchange for the university to be successful, it’s come to take what it was promised!”

…

“Deal with the devil, huh?” Lady remarks, “I can’t believe we missed that one.”

“I know,” Patty agrees, “Those take up a full forty percent of Dante’s jobs.”

“Well, either way,” Lady says as pulls a gun out from a thigh holster, “Duty calls.”

“Lady,” Patty says in a concerned tone, “Maybe we should just call Dante to handle it, you just got knifed in the side.”

“Patty,” Lady says in a scolding tone, “I’m fine.”

“But-”

“If you want to help, go get Kalina Ann out of the trunk.”

Sighing, Patty does what she’s told.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Lady, maybe you should take it easy on the backflips!”

“Well maybe _he_ should take it easy on the tentacles!”

“I can help!”

“No! You look _way_ too cute to get dirty today!”

“Thank you, but I could cast something! And I have Pandora!”

“Uggh, we really have to keep an eye on what Dante gets you for Hanukkah!”

“But she turns into such a cute purse!”

“Granted, but- AAAHHHH! FUCK YOU!”

“Oh my gosh, it got you right where you were stabbed!”

“I CAN SEE THAT, _PATTY_!”

“Is it secreting venom?!”

“Shut up, Nero!”

…

“Hey Dante? ...Yeah, how fast can you get here?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 _“Your champion has arrived, m’Lady!”_ The Son of Sparda announces, falling down swordfirst from the old plane he has Trish piloting.

“…”

“Don’t give me that look,” Patty scolds a pissed Lady, “You’re about to go into shock.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Glaring up at Dante from where the man looks down at her smugly, Lady can’t will the shame of needing to be assisted away.

“Do you want to say something, Dante?” She grits out from the hospital bed.

“Oh no, my dear,” he says in stage concern, “I wouldn’t want to do anything that could cause you harm in such a fragile state.”

“Dante…”

“And Trish,” the demon pops up, having just returned from the cafeteria and passing out pudding to everyone, “I was there too.”

“I noticed.”

Face puckering in amusement, Dante says in a sing-song voice, _“You were irresponsible.”_

“Shut up.” Lady warns.

Joining in, Trish backs up, _“You were irresponsible.”_

“I will end you two.”

Linking arms, the idiots proceed to skip around in a circle singing, _“You were irresponsible! You were irresponsible!”_

Lady growls at them as she sits up, only to slide back down at the pain in her side.

_BANG!_

Paying no mind to the horrified gasp of her mother, Patty retracts Pandora from where she shot Dante and Trish’s legs.

“I should really shoot you too,” she tells Lady, “But I think you’ve been punished enough.”

“I appreciate it,” Lady groans.

“Sweetie,” Nina begins, “Maybe you should stop asking your freaky demon killing friends to take you to these things.” Fumbling she adds, “No offense to any of you.”

“Understandable,” Dante concedes as his leg grows back.

“I can try and get some time off, if you want,” she offers to her daughter.

“Oh, don’t worry, Mom,” Patty waves off, “I’ve learned my lesson; don’t rely on anyone over twenty-five to act their age.”

“O…kay…”

 _Me: I will watch the kids,_ she texts, _no complaints, no pay for a month, and I’ll see about translating some of those old Order ritual papers; do we have a deal?_

 _Lesser Dante: Tempting,_ she gets back, _but I’m gonna need a little more for the sake of taking a three-day trip to take you on a two-hour tour._

_Me: Ugghhh, I am not doing it, jerk._

_Lesser Dante: Then I guess you don’t want my help._

_Me: UGGGGHHHHHHHH…FINE._

_Me: Nero, you’re so cool and I am a sad conformist loser with terrible taste in music and you’re WAY stronger and more responsible than Dante._

_Lesser Dante: Awww, Patty, there’s no need to say that. But continue._

_Me: Are you going to help me or not?!_

_Goddess, Too Good for this World: Nero, that’s enough._

_Lesser Dante: Ugh, fine._

_Me: Thank you!_ _😊_

_Me: …Wait, you’re not going to take me in that metal deathtrap Nero bought, are you?_

_Lesser Dante: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, SHE’S GONNA LOOK GREAT WHEN I’M FINISHED, BRAT!_

_Goddess, Too Good for this World: Nero! Language!_

_Lesser Dante: Sorry._

_Me: I will take that as a, “Yes.” Dang it._

_Lesser Dante:_ _Fuck you._

_Goddess, Too Good for this World: Nero!_

_Me: Aaaaand, that’s my cue to leave, see you guys later!_

“Who are you texting?” Nina asks.

“My new ride,” Patty answers, “Someone who left before Dante took the last shreds of his sanity.”

“Oh! That nice Nero boy? I like him!”

“‘Nice?!’” Dante screams in protest, “That little shit’s sending me death threats every Tuesday!”

“Probably because you owe him money,” Lady shoots at him.

“I paid him back!”

“…”

“…Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patty's Contact Names:  
> Dante- Slobby Old Ice Cream Man  
> Trish- Sexy Troll  
> Lady- Literal Queen  
> Nero- Lesser Dante  
> Kyrie- Goddess, Too Good for this World  
> Morrison- Morrison


	4. The Devil Hunter (and His MUCH More Competent Girlfriend)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing worse than getting attacked by demon? Being a third wheel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The source of Nero and Kyrie's last name is the fic "Bouquet of Calendula" by Jason M. Lee, an adorable drabble collection I highly recommend.

“Okay, take a left!”

“I can _read_ road signs, Patty!”

“I’m just trying to help!”

“You can help, by shutting up and letting me drive!”

“Well _you_ can help by not being a total jerkwad!”

“Why you-!”

“Nero,” Kyrie cuts into their argument, making them both gulp, “Focus on the road and watch your manners. Patty, we’ll be there soon and Nero will get us there just fine, now let’s calm down.”

“Sorry, Kyrie.” “Sorry, babe.”

“Alright, good.” Smiling, she lifts up the container and asks, “Now who wants another danish or scone?”

“I do!” Patty cheers, reaching in and plucking a small cheese danish and taking a bite, “Mmmm, are you two sure there isn’t a school in Fortuna I can go to and live with you guys so I can eat stuff like this all the time?”

While Kyrie flushes at the praise and waves her hand, Nero says, “No, and even if there was, the spare room’s occupied and Nico doesn’t want a roommate. And save me some!”

“You had like ten already!”

“I get hungry!”

“More like _hangry_.”

“Grrr…”

“Nero,” Kyrie starts, “There is plenty left, and Patty don’t eat too much sugar or you’ll crash during the walk.”

Sighing, Patty agrees, “Okay.”

“Great seeing your mom again,” Nero remarks, “Nice lady.”

“Yeah,” Patty says in response, “She’s under the impression you’re a nice boy.”

“Where’d she get that from?”

“No idea.”

“I think Nero is a good boy,” Kyrie pouts.

“For you,” Patty clarifies, “He’s a good boy for you.”

“Well it’s _Kyrie_ ,” Nero defends, “She just brings out the best in everyone.” He coos, turning a lovestruck gaze to his girlfriend.

“Nero…” Kyrie says in kind, cupping his cheek, “If it’s you, then it’s worth it to look for.”

“DEER!” Patty screams.

Breaking out of their trance, the two lovebirds scream as Nero swerves to avoid the buck.

“Pay attention to the road, please!” Patty scolds.

“Sorry,” Nero says, “It’s just too easy to get lost in Kyrie’s eyes.” He says completely blunt.

“Aww,” Kyrie sighs, “I think yours are more beautiful, Nero.”

“What?! No, yours are _way_ prettier!”

“Oh, Nero…”

“Kyrie…”

“…And to Dante,” Patty says as she scribbles her last will and testament, “I leave my collection of romance animes; hopefully they’ll teach you how to get a girlfriend.”

Maybe if she just asked Nero to come alone, she wouldn’t have to fear dying in a vehicular accident.

Actually, those are always a possibility.

But at least she wouldn’t feel like puking right now.

Sigh, _Love really makes you dumb._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Hi,” the guide greets when she steps out the van, “You must be Patty.” They say as they as they extend their arm for a handshake.

“Hello,” she responds cheerfully, “That’s me! Are we the last ones to get here?”

“Yup! We start in about five minutes, so just take a little time to get settled before we start!” With that, they wave and walk off to talk to someone with a clipboard.

“Cool place,” Nero remarks, arms propped up in the window, “Diggin’ the modern vibe.”

“Nero!” Patty whisper-yells, “Arm!”

“What?” He asks confused as he scratches his nose before his eyes widen in recognition, “Shit! I forgot!” He freaks as he dives back into the car to find a sleeve.

“You _forgot_ you have a creepy demon arm?!”

“It doesn’t come up that much!” Taking a compression sleeve and glove provided by Kyrie and thanking her with a kiss on the nose, he tells Patty, “Some people forget they have tattoos, y’know!”

“I think Devil Bringer is a _bit_ harder to forget than a tattoo!”

“Screw you!” He bites as he sticks his arm into the sleeve and slips the glove on once he exits the van and closes the door.

“Nero,” Kyrie scolds, “Patty, we’re at the school, now let’s all try and stay civil until the tour’s over, okay?”

“Mmphhh….”

“Mmmmpppphhh….”

“Okay,” Kyrie cuts into their glaring, “If you two are good, I’ll make something _special_ when we get back to Patty’s house.”

Gasping in delight, eyes wide and sparkling, they say simultaneously, “‘Kyrie’s Special Bucatini Carbonara?!’”

“The one and only!” She cheerfully confirms.

Looking back at each other, the message is conveyed through their eyes.

_I want that pasta, Nero._

_Oh, I want that pasta too, brat._

_Civil for food?_

_Civil for food._

Nodding at each other, they turn back to Kyrie, perfect smiles plastered onto their faces.

“Good!”

“Patty!” The guide says as they come back, blushing slightly at the sight of the couple, “Wh-Who are these two?”

“Oh!” She pops up, “They’re my ride!”

“Kyrie Eleison,” she says, as she holds out her hand, “A pleasure to meet you!”

Face now a tomato, the guide starts, “Al-Alex! That, that is my name! Which, you didn’t ask…Um! What’s your name?!” They squeal as they release Kyrie’s hand from their sweaty, swinging arm and turn to Nero, trying to avoid staring at one place for too long.

“Nero Eleison,” he nods, oblivious to the clearly smitten nature of the student.

“Oh! You two are…married?” They ask, trying not to look devastated.

“What?! No, we’re uh, well-” Nero tries to awkwardly cover.

“My family adopted Nero years ago,” Kyrie covers, “But we are dating.”

“We were interested in each other _before_ they adopted me! So, it’s not like-”

“The tour?” Patty cuts in, coming back from wherever she went off to, “Are we leaving now?”

“Uh, yeah!” Alex says once they recover, “If you’ll all just follow me!” They say as they powerwalk back to the front of the group.

“Wow,” Patty remarks, “We found someone who flirts like you, Nero.”

“Why you little-!” He grunts.

“ _If_ we behave ourselves,” Kyrie says from where she’s walking in front of them, “Then there may be a tiramisu to go along with tonight’s dinner.”

That gets them rushing to get back with the group.

“By the way,” Kyrie begins, “Where’d you go, Patty?”

“Oh,” the girl responds, “I was just tossing some holy water around to ward off any demons; Nero, you might want to keep back from the edges of the parking lot.”

Shivering, he confirms, “Understood.”

“Patty, I don’t think-”

“I’ve already lost three tours to the forces of Hell, Kyrie.”

“…Do you need some more? I always keep some in my bag just in case.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“We may have only been established in 1984,” Alex says as they walk next to the student lounge, “But the University of Mallarmé has been well-received for our modern approaches to education. We offer fields of study that other universities in the state don’t consider _important_ enough to focus on and try to encourage our students to break out of the molds that past societies are trying to cage them in.”

“So,” Nero whispers, “This is a school for hipsters that can just fall back on daddy’s money?”

That remark earns him an elbow to the ribs.

“Ow!”

“You two,” Kyrie says with a stern look, straightening them up immediately.

Once they reach a point where the group can stop and observe the school a bit, Alex comes back over to them.

“So, umm…” they start awkwardly, fiddling with their fingers, “What exactly is the relation between you two and Patty? I don’t want to pry, but you seem pretty young to be her guardians.”

“Oh,” Kyrie answers, “We’re just her friends. Patty doesn’t have her own car, so she needed a ride and everyone else she could ask-”

“Is an idiot.” Nero cuts in.

“Nero!” She scolds.

“What?! I could’ve said they were shit-for-brains bastards, but I didn’t, except I just did, damn it!”

Feeling a tug on his shirt he looks down to see Patty glaring.

_Do NOT cost me that pasta._

Gulping, he turns back and says, “Sorry ‘bout that.”

“No problem,” Alex responds, “Maybe you two could, I dunno, like, consider coming here too? If you’re interested that is!” Muttering to themselves, Patty hears, _“You’re blowing this.”_

Giggling, Kyrie tells them, “I’m afraid we’re far too busy to focus on something like this.”

“Oh, are you two working?”

“Yeah,” Nero responds, “Kyrie and I help with an orphanage back home and I support it by killing things.”

“…”

Giving out an, “Ooof!” at the elbow to his ribs, Nero finally realizes he messed up and blurts out, “Pests! I kill pests! I’m an exterminator!”

“…Uhhh…”

“I know you don’t think that’s much to support a bunch of kids with, but the island we live on is coated because of some shit our old religious leader pulled! Oh, yeah, we’re from a cult.” Realizing that you probably shouldn’t tell someone observing your friend as a potential student, Nero adds, “But it’s not anymore! Yeah, no more cult stuff!” He finishes, smiling nervously.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…” _You know,_ Patty thinks to herself, _I think a demon attack would actually be for the best about now._

_“RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”_

_…Okay, is there a freaking mind reader?_

“What is that?!” Alex yells at the sight of the giant lizard thing with no eyes and three forked tongues.

“…Patty did you miss a spot?” Nero asks.

“No, I covered this place the whole time we were walking.”

“I think it came from the campus,” Kyrie muses, “Remember that little story Alex told us about the religious community nearby that wanted to keep this school from getting built and swore that the wrath of the heavens would come and smite the heathens? There’s a good chance that one of them snuck in and opened up a Hell Gate, you two did say you sensed one near the school boba shop.”

Sure enough, a quick jog to the boba shop shows a large monolithic structure sprouted up from the ground, big enough for the unwanted guest to have come from.

“…Who was this school bought from?” Patty asks Alex.

“Cultists.”

Sighing, Nero starts to take off his glove, “Alright, I think you should go hide for a bit, I’ve got this.”

“What?!” Alex protests, “You can’t possibly-”

Placing a hand on the guide’s shoulder, not seeming to notice the redness, Nero tells them, “Don’t worry about me, just focus on who I should send the bill to. After all,” he says as he finally gets his arm out of the sleeve, making a fist that releases some of Devil Bringer’s energy and walking towards the behemoth,

_“I told you I take care of pests.”_

“Wow…” Alex sounds, eyes blown back.

“Okay,” Patty cuts in, placing a reality-bringing hand onto the guide’s shoulder, “You should head somewhere safe, we got this.”

“Y-y-y-Yeah.” And with that, they take off.

“Nero!” Patty calls out, “Kyrie and I are gonna look for the jerk that opened the gate, you take care of that thing!”

“Got it!” He yells back with a thumbs up, “Stay safe!”

“Awww! You do care!”

“Not you! Kyrie! I don’t give a fuck what happens to you!”

“Nero!” Kyrie scolds.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Finding the jerk is easy, they’re the only person over thirty on campus dressed like they’re in a serious academic environment; a terrible disguise for infiltrating a liberal arts college.

Once they’re unconscious and Patty closes the summoning circle, Kyrie looks out the window.

“ _GASP!_ Nero, duck!”

“What?!” Doing as he’s told, Nero avoids a tongue coming after him.

That’s promptly shot off by Spiral.

“Phew.” Kyrie squeaks as she wipes her forehead, “Mr. Dante always gives the most useful birthday presents,” she remarks to herself as she reloads.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“I guess you saved me this time,” Nero says as they walk to him, the demon disintegrating.

“Well I suppose I had a debt to pay,” Kyrie downplays.

“Kyrie, you’ve never owed me anything, I’m always going to be indebted for giving me meaning in my life.” Taking her hands into his, the two hold a gaze.

“Uh, guys?” Patty tries to cut in.

“No matter what happens, we’ll always have each other.” Kyrie tells him.

“Guys.”

“Patty, shut up. Kyrie…”

“Guyyyyyyys.”

“Give us a minute, Patty. Nero…”

“GUYS!”

“WHAT?!!!!!” Nero yells as he finally turns to the student.

_CRUSSSSSHHHHH!_

Goes the evacuated boba shop, under the foot of another demon.

“We needed to destroy the gate.” Patty says, crossing her arms.

“…You know what?” Nero says nervously, “I think I’ll make this one a freebie. Yeah, do something nice every now and then!”

“…”

“Alright, just shoot me already.”

_BANG!_

Goes Pandora.

Handing Patty a slipper, Kyrie tells her, “I understand.”

_Pap!_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“…And that is why neither of them are allowed to have dessert tonight, Mother.” Patty finishes recounting over the dinner table, gesturing to the sulking Nero and remorseful Kyrie.

“Okay…” Nina says, “I…suppose that makes sense.”

“I mean,” Nero mutters, “We _did_ kill it.”

“That’s the only reason you two get dinner,” Patty dismisses with a glare.

Cowed, Nero returns to pouting.

“Sweetie,” Nina begins, “You still have two more tours left, are you going to be alright?”

“Yup,” Patty answers, “It’s time to ask Ol’ Reliable.”

“…‘Ol’ Relia-’”

_BAM!_

“I HEARD NERO DID SOMETHING STUPID!” Dante announces from where he kicked the door in, “LET’S GIVE HIM SHIT ABOUT IT!” And with that, he pulls out a trumpet and begins to play “When the Saints Go Marching In” while Trish accompanies on a drum she’s carrying, wheeled in confetti cannons blasting their contents around the house.

“GAAAAHHHHHHH!” Is yelled out by the feral creature known as Nero as he leaps from his seat and chases a still playing Dante around the living room.

“I can’t believe we got that nice guide’s number.” Kyrie says in surprise, watching her boyfriend try to claw Dante’s eyes out. Shrugging, she says, “Oh well, they know what they’re getting into.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_…And that is why you are the only one I can ask for help. Please help me, these people are insane._

_Love,_

_Patty_

_P.S. No, Dante isn’t lying, Trish really did shoot a lightning bolt down the toilet to see what would happen, please take a look._

The response letter comes about two days later.

_Baby Girl,_

_You should’ve called me first, those assholes can’t even change a lightbulb without someone gettin’ shot. I’ll be there soon._

_J.D. Morrison_


	5. The Broker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breath of sanity helps Patty come to terms with what she's been avoiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short, in part due to how long the last one was and how little time I had to work on it. Please enjoy!

“I am _never_ asking any of them for help again,” Patty vows as her and Morrison trail behind the tour group exploring The University of Samuel Beckett.

“‘Atta girl,” the man praises, “The only thing those bastards’re good for is takin’ care of any ol’ nasties and half the time they can’t even do that right!”

“Amen to that.”

“And if we go out through here,” the guide says, “You’ll get a good look at the school garden! We’ve won various awards for our produce and have recently begun to sell our own brand of seeds in select stores. Please feel free to observe it up close!”

Leading Morrison to a bench, she helps him sit down and asks, “You okay? Want to take a break?”

“Oooh,” Morrison says as he gets settled, “These ol’ legs ain’t what they used to be.”

“I’m sorry for dragging you all the way out here,” she says as she grimaces, “I know you need to take it easy on your knees.”

“Aww, don’t you worry none, baby doll, I ain’t made of glass!”

Still not fully convinced, she sits down next to him and sighs, “I wish I didn’t have to call you, but everyone else always found a way to screw things up.”

“Well, it’s not like they brought the demons, sweetheart.”

“Yeah, but they could have handled them like professionals.”

Giving her a look, Morrison states simply, “We both know they couldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Well,” the man asks as he pops his back, “If ya knew they were all gonna screw up, why’d you invite them in the first place? Why not just ask your momma to take you?”

“Eh,” Patty shrugs, “I didn’t want to be a bother.”

Giving her a face of utter unamusement, the man says, “Baby girl, we both know that’s a load of bullshit; when you want somethin’ you don’t let nothin’ stop ya. Now what’s really goin’ on?”

Pouting, Patty eventually sighs in acquiescence.

“Nothing gets past you, huh?”

“It pays to stay on top of things.”

They sit in silence for a bit after that, watching the wind blow through the plants and listening to the birds chirp.

“It’s just,” she eventually says, “I don’t know, I feel more…at home with you guys? I mean, I didn’t meet my own mother until I was in grade school and by then I guess, I don’t know…I kinda, already made a family with all of you? I love her, I really do, and I understand why she did it, but…I’m just more comfortable with you guys, even after all these years.”

Humming, Morrison puts a hand on her shoulder.

“It’s true,” he starts, “That sometimes, we find people we feel like we’re more connected to then the people we should feel that way towards, and that’s fine. And no one would think bad about you feelin’ like your friends are more family than the one you started out with.

“But a lot of people like you feel like that because their blood ain’t willin’ to try. They don’t realize it ain’t enough to be kin, that bein’ related doesn’t mean they don’t gotta work at it. Friends do, though. But sweetie, your momma _is_ tryin’ to work on it, and that makes you pretty lucky.

“I’m not sayin’ that it’s all gonna be smooth sailin’ for you, and you got a right for it not to be, but…”

Turning to her with a small smile, Morrison tells her, “Just try a little, okay?”

“…Yeah,” she agrees, “You’re right. I’ll talk to her.”

Ruffling her hair, he says, “Good girl.”

Smiling, she tells him, “Thanks Morrison, you really are the pillar of sanity that keeps our friend group from collapsing in on itself with everyone’s collective stupidity.”

“Well, shit.”

That gives her a giggle and earns him a kiss on the cheek.

“Alright!” The guide calls out, “Is everyone ready to start moving again?”

Walking over to him with a sweet smile, Patty holds out her hand for a shake and says, “I just want to take the time to thank you for showing us around before we all go home.”

Blinking, he takes her offered hand and shakes it saying, “Umm…You’re welcome? Are you going home already, the tour’s not over yet.”

Smiling sympathetically, Patty responds, “Yes, yes it is.”

Before he can say anything else, the ground starts to shake.

“What the-”

_CRAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!_

Is the sound resonated by a large beaked plant monster shooting out of the ground; the tour, is definitely over.

“Okay,” Patty says to Morrison, “I’ll leave that to you…oh. Yeah.” She says when he points to his cane, “I guess I’m taking care of it; okay.”

“I’ll see who I can leave the bill with,” Morrison remarks as he walks a safe distance away.

“Don’t charge anyone!”

“Can’t hear ya, sweetpea!”

Pouting, she begins to ready Pandora and a tome, staring the demon down.

_Ckk._

Cocking Pandora, Patty’s glad she decided to forgo heels today.

_“RAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH-”_

_BAM!_

Is the sound Pandora makes as it releases a shot right between it’s eyes.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Thanks Morrison!” She calls out to the older man as she heads inside while he drives off, “Hey Mom! I’m back!”

“Patty!” Nina calls out in distress, “You’re covered in dirt, what happened?!” She hurries to her daughter, looking her over.

“Dirt demon,” she replies bluntly, “It. Was. Stubborn.”

“Are you hurt?! Let me see.” And she begins giving her a check, trying to find any injuries.

“I’m okay, really!” Patty tries to assure, “I will need to replace this top, though.” She laments.

“Patty…”

“Hey, Mom?” She interrupts, “I…I think I’ve been a little unfair to you lately.”

“Honey, no. I’m fine, nothing’s wrong.”

“No, I’ve kinda been ignoring you, and that’s not right. I’m sorry.”

Holding her cheek, Nina smiles and tells her, “I understand, sweetie, I really do. I know there’s still some things we need to work on, and I’m just glad you’re here.”

Smiling just as sweet, Patty squeezes the hand and tells her, “Thanks Mom.”

“Now let’s get you patched up,” Nina says and leads her to the bathroom.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Hey Mom?” Patty asks from where Nina applies a band-aid to her knee.

“Yes?”

“Do you want take me to my next college tour?”

Faltering for a bit, Nina eventually lifts her head up with watery eyes and a smile.

“Of course, honey.”


	6. Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a campus tour that actually gets to finish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final one, thank you for reading!

“Hi!” The guide greets them, “You must be Patty, and you are ma’am?”

“Nina Lowell,” she informs, shaking their hand, “Patty’s mother.”

“Ah! Well then, welcome to The University of Saint Patricia! Are you ready to start walking?”

Turning a reassuring smile to calm her mother who smiles back, Patty thinks she is.

“Yup!” She chirps back at the guide, “Absolutely, let’s go!”

Taking her mother’s hand while the guide walks to the front of the group, the two begin walking.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Fifty feet from campus, a large man-like creature with a head covered in some sort of crown structure looks at the area surrounding him while their army of lesser demons await orders.

 _“Finally,”_ the leader says, _“Our conquest can begin! Today, our vengeance upon this mortal realm is at hand, only ceasing when the blood of that worthless cattle soaks the land, and the ashes of their suffering flow through the air!”_ At this decree, the leader and their army begin laughing maniacally.

Until a hand settles on the leader’s shoulder.

“Sorry pal,” a voice says, one that is connected to the human carrying the legendary Rebellion along with two smaller weapons and smelling of _Sparda?_ that the leader turns his head to see, “But we’ve got stuff goin’ on today, so you’re gonna hafta postpone your little invasion.”

“Alternatively,” another demon carrying the blade Sparda begins as she sways to be in front of him, “You could try and start it right here and we’ll play with you.”

_CSSH!_

A sound is made by a human preparing some large cannon-like weapon before she smirks at the army in front of her and boasts, “Spoiler warning, you won’t get that far.”

“Fun for us,” another who smells of Sparda and bears a demonic arm that is plunged into a Hell Pride’s chest, grinning savagely as he squeezes the heart into bursting and saying, “Not so much for you guys.”

“And I brought water bottles and orange slices to keep everyone energized while they destroy your forces!” Another human calls out from a distance, grinning cheerfully as she presents a tray with what are presumably the strange offerings she spoke of.

“$50 a head, y’all, let’s get goin’!” Another human carrying an odd stick calls out from next to the female, “Big man up there’s a cool $5,000!”

“Ooh,” the descendant with Rebellion acknowledges as his lazy smile turns to a sharp smirk, starting to lift the sword from it’s place on his back, “That’s enough to get my toilet replaced.”

_SHING!_


End file.
